Addressing My Fears of Being Out There

I have hemmed and hawed about making this website for a long while. I couldn’t decide what I wanted it to be or what I wanted to disclose about myself. I know if I’m starting a new venture, then I wanted to appear competent and professional. But I also knew I didn’t want to completely wash away my personality.

But I also had the concerns that I was veering far off the path of my career as I’ve already grown it. I’ve worked in Higher Education publishing for 6 years, working in digital production for 5 of those. And now I want to jump back into the writing and editing world?

Well, yes. The writing and editing has always been there, but in terms of my career, the focus had been elsewhere. Now, I want to dedicate myself to the write path.

And with that comes a lot of fears and concerns. In an effort to be open and show you I am a person underneath all this, comes this entry about all that.

Who The World Wants Me To Be

There’s a fear of putting all my interests and niches out there. My development of professional skills is very different than the writing interests I’ve listed.

More than that, I’ve felt the need to hide most of interests in the past years. Surely, someone who’s a professional and skilled digital producer can’t also work with tarot cards and blog about Scotland, right? Even I looked at my interests and thought, it’s too much; no one will accept it and I won’t be able to use it.

In some ways, this has led to me not knowing who I am because I’m constantly feeling like I’m trying to be too much. But I know I wouldn’t be content if I didn’t try to engage with all of my interests.

In some ways, it’s not entirely my own problem; my own problem is to overcome my fears of judgment and criticism.

But it’s the problem of the world to stop labeling others and forcing them into boxes. We live in a world that doesn’t like complexities or people being too awkward to fit a label. A woman can’t be a mother and also sexy. A man can’t be masculine and strong and also enjoy musical theater or dance. A person can’t be a scientist, a theologist, and a comedian all in one.

But why not? The biggest reason I’ve found is because the world likes people fitting into nice, neat packaging.

And yet for many, that packaging feels confining and limiting.

So I’m working to break out of that packaging and trying to let go of the fears, and trust that in doing that, I’ll find my own place and acceptance among others.

Who I Am and Who I Appear to Be

There are also questions of whether or not I presented myself in a way that people would deem “professional”. If I post gifs and random thoughts on Twitter, does that take away from my ability to do a job well? If I post cat pictures and aerial silk classes on Instagram, do people assume I can’t possibly be fit for work?

Personally, I didn’t think so, but again we have a preconceived idea of what is right and wrong within work environments.

But I don’t always want to be perceived as professional; I want to be perceived as real. Any colleague who’s worked with me can attest to my professionalism on the job, as my promotions can affirm my dedication. I don’t need to constantly prove I’m a professional, as my work ethic should speak for itself.

Rather, I want anyone I work with to know that I both work hard AND am a person outside of that work.

If you come to me with a novel you want polished or with concerns on how to improve, you’ll know you’re coming to someone who is also a writer and has had the same fears in working with editors.

Who I Want To Be

Now, anyone could look at an entry like this and say it’s wrong to post it. You should never voice your fears and concerns in a place you’re trying to offer professional services.

But I like to think we’ve all had these worries and questions.

And, as I said, I want to be real. I want you, dear reader, to know that I’m a person just like you. I do my best work, look at each of the finest details, in hopes of helping you see the further potential in your own work. I create and build in the hopes that I’m helping someone who I may never meet. I work far too many hours, dedicate myself more than most people would say is fair. But underneath all that, I am a human being

What I have found in all my years of studying, working, and volunteering my editorial services: working with real human beings is preferable.

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